There are times when I wish I was a man. No PMS, no depression, no legs shaving. I wouldn’t have to worry about my weight, age, wrinkling face or sagging breasts. I would look into the mirror and saw perfection instead of numerous defects. My hormone level and mood swings wouldn’t be a topic of saucy jokes and I would be appreciated for my brain instead of my bra size.
I just hate myself several days before my period. I feel down all the time, cry for no particular reason and want to put my head down the toiled and flush it. One wrong word or a look from a person and I want to:
- kill her / him
- kill myself
- lie down and cry
And the eating disorder drives me crazy! I could eat a horse and still find some space for an elephant, several pigs and a particularly large cow. Ham sandwiches, followed by a bar of chocolate, then herrings with onions and a jar of jam. Five minutes later I go to the kitchen to stuff more food down my throat. It’s madness. I don’t eat sweets, I don’t even like them that much, but when I am in my desperate stage I gorge on them.
Everything drives me nuts. Sometimes I fly into such a rage that my family considers calling up paramedics with a straight jacket or lock me up in the basement. I don’t blame them. I can be a nasty piece of a work. To avoid bloodshed and violence I put a notice on my bedroom door saying: ‘Enter at your own risk’ / ‘I might bite’ / ‘Violent person inside’ / ‘Dragon’s den’ / ‘Abandon hope all ye who enter here’ or something like that.
I spend most of the time sulking, crying, plotting world domination or cursing under my breath. To help me control my foul mood I listen to music, read books or go to sleep. I can’t hurt anyone when I am quietly snoring under the blanket, right? I used to vent my spleen through working out. But nowadays I am too lazy to do a simple set of exercises before my period shows up good and ready to kick my butt.
I don’t know what I did in my previous life but it must have been something really awful. Why? Because every month I experience an excruciating pain during my period. I don’t understand why I was singled out in such a brutal way. My mum has no problems whatsoever with her period. Her sister barely registers any discomfort during her red days and all of my father’s female relations are pain-free and carefree before and during their periods. But not me. I just scream in pain and agony.
A week before my period is due I look like I’ve swallowed an elephant. Friends keep asking me “When are you due?”, and I have to explain I am not pregnant over and over again. But the state of my humongous belly is the least of my worries. There’s even more embarrassing problem I have to deal with, days before the period. Just imagine – you are in a tight embrace with your man. You kiss and talk and you get the impression that he’s all into you. You register the bulging of his trousers and prepare yourself for a good time. And that’s where your ass decides to cut in and starts to talk. Phhhhhhrt!!!! Prtrtrtrgurtrufnasutututut!!! WHOooooffff!!! Can you think of a worse moment this can happen???? I assure you, you will never see a man losing his erection faster!!!! It is a complete buzz kill. You can start to explain and murmur thousands of apologies but the moment is gone and you want to die then and there.
But that’s just the beginning. The real ‘fun’ starts on the first day of my period. I am in so much pain that I want to crawl into a dark corner and die. I moan and I groan, and quite often cry because I can’t handle the pain. It’s like somebody is twisting my insides – I can’t breathe or stand straight.
Once I was in such a bad state that I almost passed out in the toiled. And I had a meeting in two hours’ time. So I decided to beg my boss to let me go home. He was absent so I approached his deputy. I thought that being a woman she should understand my predicament better than anyone else. You know what she said to me? ‘I have a period every month and I don’t feel any pain. You shouldn’t, either.’ I wanted to stab the bitch in her eyeball with a very sharp pencil, so she could experience some of my pain. If not, then at least I would have the pleasure of hurting the effing cunt! In the end I was allowed to skip the meeting because my male boss showed much more compassion when I called him. It just proves that men are more understanding when it comes to female problems.
After five – six days everything goes back to normal and I am myself. For two weeks! And then the cycle repeats itself.
No wonder men call us difficult and unreasonable. However, if they were ruled by hormones, they would feel and act the same way we do!